A Daily Reid: The MAGA mean girl aesthetic
Right wing women must be plastic surgeried, heavily made up, and completely devoid of dangerous empathy
There are five key steps to becoming a MAGA Leni Riefenstahl — a woman who can represent The Faith in public, even as you presumably submit to your husband’s authority behind the scenes.
Step one: fix your face
And by “fix,” I mean surgically alter the bone structure of your grill and add heaping helpings of thick, pancake makeup so you look more or less like a cross between squinty eyed, thick lashed, round cheeked, post surgury(ies?) Melania and an adult baby. Actually the more you think about the latter part of the aesthetic, given the huge Venn diagram between MAGA and the Epstein gang, it’s particularly creepy. Clearly, MAGA men like their woman looking like grade school girls well into their forties, while the men wear the adult diapers.
There are apparently a number of plastic surgeons who can successfully achieve what has been dubbed “Mar-a-lago face,” and acquiring it is absolutely essential to becoming an accepted MAGA woman. If the end result scares people a little, you’ve done it right. And not to worry if you’re a MAGA man, you can achieve Mar a Lago face too: just drop a bunch of weight (Ozempic helps!) … grow a manly beard, get regular Botox injections, and apply generous amounts of black eyeliner.
Step two: lose your empathy
To be a MAGA woman is to be a good Christian, of course. And by “Christian,” I mean you have to really, really hate poor people and immigrants who aren’t white — just like blue eyed, blonde haired Jesus did. In fact, when he turned over the moneychangers tables, it was clearly because they were threatening to distribute the money as welfare to lazy Blacks. And as our Lord and Savior said when he hung on the cross to give his life to become the United States’ and Europe’s boutique savior: “fuck them poors and illegals,” unquote.
MAGA women must learn this mantra and internalize it, lest the sin of empathy overtake them. Oh and “fuck them trans, too,” as Jesus himself ordained. Hallelujah.
Step three perfect your scowl
MAGA loves a mean girl. In fact: the meaner the better. The more you snarl, and spit fire at “the left” — read: Democrats, communists, socialists, “ANTIFA,” Black Lives Matter … I mean ESPECIALLY Black Lives Matter … Black people in general, people singing or speaking in Spanish, basically anyone from Ukraine, but especially that snarky Volodomyr Zelenskyy, and anyone who dares not adore Donald trump, the more popular you will be. Indeed, adoring Donald Trump, from the top of his totally not bald head to the tip of his cankles, and his diapered behind in between, is a full-time job.
The irony, of course, is that MAGA wants its women to not be working at all. Instead, they should be meek, at home churning butter from scratch and making their husbands home cooked meals, while raising their many, many definitely white children without their husband’s help or input. (Baby raisin’ is women’s work. Men do the thinkin and the votin!) But in public, they want their woman working overtime to skewer the opposition, belittling the Obamas, shrieking uncontrollably on their streaming shows in defense of whatever is bugging Trump or whatever the loyal soldiers on Fox “news” are saying, and demanding that every other woman in the country quit her job, go the fuck home, shut the fuck up and worship AR 15 Jesus in fully made up silence. In heels, please.
That is the way. … Specifically, it’s the only way to turn The United States into an English-only version of Russia or Hungary, just as the Lord intended.
Perhaps no one embodies the MAGA mean girl aesthetic better than its three blonde bomb-hells: Megyn Kelly, Karoline Leavitt, and Pam Bondi.
Top MAGA Mean Girl: Megyn
Megyn has perfected the “cruelty is the point” media style. Every episode can be roughly summarized as: “Megyn OWNS (fill in the liberal) and defends Trump/Epstein/billionaires on FULL VOLUME!” Megyn is MAGA’s middle aged Barbie — as dry as the doll you left in the yard for a week when you were a kid that one summer and as angry as your mom when you asked for a new one. She is as cruel and scowly as the ex-wife you’re thankful to have gotten away from, but as satisfying to old, horny MAGA men as the mistress you still see as in her 20s when you squint but who you would never, ever-ever-ever dream of making your wife because you know she’d force you to cut your own kids out of your will, then put a pillow over your face to collect the inheritance.
As a Trump attack victim turned soul-selling MAGA supremacist, and Roger Ailes sexual harassment victim-turned sex pest Trump and even Jeffrey Epstein defender, Megs has it all covered. She defends the whiteness of Santa and Jesus (and also blackface) while attacking fellow women in broadcasting for their looks, their beliefs, and even their refusal to smile for Trump (fittingly, she even invoked the late Mr. Ailes in Ttump’s defense.) She even said CBS gave Tony Dukopil a “lesbian makeover.”) Perfect. And ICYMI: here’s Megyn defending Jeffrey Epstein as not a pedophile at all …
No wonder her husband apparently would rather eyeball flirt with Don Lemon’s handsome hubby … allegedly.
And then there’s Karoline…
Karoline Leavitt hates you, you little media shits
Karoline Leavitt has perfected the: “I’m about 30 years younger than I look” MAGA mean girl aesthetic. Whatever she has done to her face — be it lip fillers or Botox — has done a number on her youth. And she has the much older sugar daddy husband to give her tradwife credibility despite her full-time job.
But it’s her ascerbic attacks on journalists who deign to ask questions rather than bark out robotic praise for Trump that has made her a MAGA legend.
And last, but certainly not least … there’s Pamela Joe…
If corruption itself took human form, it would be Pam Bondi
Pamela Jo Bondi is by far, the most corrupt attorney general ever to hold the office in this nation’s 250 year history. But her real magic, is the ability to awkwardly scan a staff-created burn book to find zingers to use against any member of congress who question, her, her beloved Donald Trump, or the precious DOW 100…
P. Jedna Hoover in the house!
Of course there are secondary MAGA mean girls who have been taken into the cult; from seemingly serial pedophile and sex pest defender Nicki Minaj to Candace Owens (whose war with Charlie Kirk’s widow is just getting weirder and weirder) to the instantly MAGA-aging Amber Rose to the puppy killer herself, Kristi Noem. But as the first three aren’t actually white (though the jury is out on Amber) and Kristi hasn’t had the good sense to get herself some hair bleach, do we really need to acknowledge their existence?
Let’s just say this second MAGA girl tier is vital to the cause, so long as they know their place. But if shit continues going wrong, look for their bodies under the nearest MAGA bus.
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Brilliant piece, Joy!! You certainly nailed it!!
The longer Meg's hair grows, the meaner she gets!